written by bunny
i recently found myself back in the san luis obispo dating scene. as terrifying and tedious as it is, i ended up going on a nice date where we went downtown for a few drinks. we sat there for a few hours and went back to his car.
from there we did that silly little run around of “so.. what do you wanna do now?” “i don’t know, what do you wanna do?” which eventually ended up with me going back over to his house.
to be completely blunt with you, we made out for a while and then things began to heat up. he ended up eating me out and i ended up giving him head (and i know, head is such a gross way to describe oral sex but i find it so much more appealing than saying ‘top’ or ‘blow job’ or ‘brain’).
so now we are naked and he holds my head and asks me…
“wait, are you on the pill?”
now let’s unpack that, because that’s fucking hot. i can’t remember the last time someone even cared to ask that. i feel like the responsibility of birth control relies almost exclusively on women so having a partner that doesn’t want me taking the hormone cocktail that is plan b is sooooo sexy.
shocked and happily surprised i responded with, “no.”
what i mean by no is that i have not been on birth control in over two years. i broke up with my ex and never looked back.
i did return his question with another and i asked him if he had a condom. and unfortunately he did not but we continued our fun anyway with a nice 69 session. things ended up not working out with him but that one simple question still has me hot.
for a long time i had risky sex with people i probably shouldn’t have, thankfully that has not led to any unwanted pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections. i am definitely not advocating for unprotected sex but it happens.
so how do we have those awkward conversations surrounding birth control, barrier methods, sti testing and most recent sexual partners? i suggest we start with what the questions are:
- are you or your partner using birth control? if so, what type, and is it sustainable for them?
- do you or your partner have condoms? is that something you want to use? if not, do you understand the possible repercussions mentally, emotionally and physically?
- when was the last time you or your partner got tested? have they had unprotected sex since? (and yes that includes oral sex)
okay so you don’t need to phrase these questions like that and no, it doesn’t need to feel like an interrogation. it is fucking awkward to ask for protection or if they have gotten tested. it helps to be with partners that you are comfortable with, it just makes this easier.
if you are going to have your hands in their pants it might be helpful to know where they have been. it might also be more awkward if you have a hookup, it ends badly and then you get a sti.
while on that topic, if you have a sti please please tell your partners, getting a sti is really not that big of a deal. we don’t want to spread that shit around and it is beyond easy to get rid of common sexually transmitted infections. there is a lot of unwarranted stigma around the topic and there doesn’t need to be.
now how do we ask these questions?
to be honest i am a pretty blunt person, i have never really been one for sugar coating or dancing around subjects. i usually lead with “can i ask you a few questions?” and then proceed with what i want to know. i, of course, offer up my answers in return. this is not about learning someone’s private life but protecting your own health and safety. don’t use this information against someone.
but if youre not me you might want to find a time to ask this, and that time can be right before you have sex. this convo doesn’t need to be on the first date and i could even argue that this convo could happen after you have sex. although that may not be the kind of pillow talk you want after a fun time.
but i know these questions aren’t super sexy but it provides soooo many benefits. for one, it keeps partners on the same page and the sex stays consenual. secondly, it hopefully calms any anxieties about pregnancy and/or safety. third, it offers you a chance to get to know what your partner likes. you can absolutely add more questions about what your partner likes in bed and that will ensure an extra fun time. does your partner like to be choked? do they like butt stuff? do they like hickies? what do they like after sex?
these questions are very important for people to walk away from sex feeling good about their experiences. risky sex is not fun the next morning and neither is stressing about your period when its just two days late.
you deserve to be cared enough about to have someone ask these questions. you deserve to have GREAT sex.
p.s if you are a Cal Poly, SLO student you can go and get tested at the Health Center! they have plenty of other sexual health services.