where do i go from here

written by bunny

a new quarter is upon us and with that the expectation of something new. however, i feel the need to reflect on how my first two quarters at Cal Poly have gone and more specifically how my intimate relationships have been morphed by my move to this new area. 

before i moved to san luis obispo my dating life was pretty sad. i spent a lot of time and energy on men who were not right for me and i hardly even liked. this resulted in ruining my own understanding of intimacy. when i spent time with these men it solely surrounded sexual intercource. so, intimacy for me, is sex. 

i am not a touchy person, i don’t leave a lot of room for non-sexual physical touch both within and outside of my intimate relationships. so when it comes to showing affection or interest i immediately resort to what i know and become the most confident when i am in sexual situations. this isn’t meant to be a brag, although i do know my way around the bedroom. sex has now become the only way in which i can connect to my partners.

this revelation of understanding why i put such an emphasis on sex, came to me as i was driving back to san luis obispo from my hometown. my hometown has been a great place for me to explore my adult body as well as taking back some sort of control over my sexual life.  of course, hypersexuality is not the answer for the unresolved sexual trauma but it was the only way i really knew how to cope. 

i didn’t really understand just how “not normal” my hypersexuality was until i moved out to this college town. one reason for this was that, despite this being a college town, people aren’t that interested in just having a one night stand or a hook up as much as I see at home. this might be because i just arrived on campus or i am not in a sorority or i don’t meet the beauty standards for this area or that this just isn’t a part of campus culture.

another reality check for me came from tiktok of all places. this app was gearing me towards videos of celibacy. so when i arrived i did my own research and i decided to give it a try in hopes to reset me sexual relationships.

after winter break i decided to go back into the dating scene and to be honest, it has not been good. i have run into weirdo after weirdo, each one having more audacity than the last. maybe this is the cost of being attracted to men or maybe i am not ready to date again.

but with this new quarter i feel the need to once again reexamine my sexual life. is celibacy the answer? should i persist in the dating scene? is it the people here? is it me? what is the root problem of my dating life, or lack there of it? where do i go from here?

i am still searching for those answers. i want to be happy alone but i also crave the emotions, intimacy and the security that comes from a healthy relationship. however, my last healthy intimate relationship was over five years ago. i don’t know what that looks like anymore or how to create that. this not-knowing makes me feel so out of place and vulnerable when it comes to dating. i want to be love and be loved so badly that it becomes anxiety producing. 

perhaps my best course of action is to back-off. i think i am at a point where i don’t think i can handle anymore damage from ‘casual’ relationships. and if i am not completely sure, maybe i’ll leave my dating life as is, an unfinished project. maybe this will leave room for me to date myself and grow into SLO.

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