i have spent a lot of time feeling internally uncomfortable with my bisexuality. i don’t know if it is the term itself, especially since queer doesn’t seem to feel right for me either, or maybe its just internalized homophobia or its for another reason entirely.
i came to cal poly as a transfer student, already 21 and far removed from underaged party scene. for the past few years in my hometown i was able to use a fake id to hang out at bars with my older friends and coworkers on the weekends. so coming to san luis obispo i felt like i already had a handle on ‘bar culture.’
a new quarter is upon us and with that the expectation of something new. however, i feel the need to reflect on how my first two quarters at Cal Poly have gone and more specifically how my intimate relationships have been morphed by my move to this new area.
have been considering how to write this post for a while. it is a topic that i don’t want to fuck up. to be honest with you my sex life has always been a bit of a mess. i am a slut. i have sex on the first date. i love masturbation. i love sex jokes and telling my best girlfriends about the details. however i have used sex as a form of harm, i would have sex not because i really wanted it but because it filled the void of intimacy i needed, even if it was just momentarily. i was having unprotected sex, sometimes with strangers.
i want to discuss this phenomenon of a cool girl. in the movie Gone Girl, amy recites a powerful monologue where she discusses that this is the ultimate girl that men look for. hearing this monologue from a powerful, well-developed female character was unforgettable to me. for those that don’t remember the dialogue, it goes something like this:
i recently found myself back in the san luis obispo dating scene. as terrifying and tedious as it is, i ended up going on a nice date where we went downtown for a few drinks. we sat there for a few hours and went back to his car.
“I had a really fun time with you tonight” he says as you're sitting on his bed, knees touching and your heart pounding out of your chest. You’re smiling and giddy with attention. He leans in for the kiss and all you can think is “oh fuck I’ve never sucked a dick before!!”